Tuesday, February 15, 2005 "Perfection Is a Direction, Not a Destination"
Newsweek Cover, Feb. 21, 2005 via MSNBC...said the leader of the worship service last Sunday, and as usual, something in the weekly message (read: sermon) was reinforced a few days later.
I just picked up the mail a few hours ago. On the cover of Newsweek, a Shiva-armed woman holds the symbols of "good" motherhood and smiles warmly at me, as if she has found peace by realizing "The Myth of the Perfect Mother."
After reading this article, I'm buoyed by the fact that I'm not alone in my maternal anxiety:
...70 percent of American moms say they find motherhood today "incredibly stressful." Thirty percent of mothers of young children reportedly suffer from depression. Nine hundred and nine women in Texas recently told researchers they find taking care of their kids about as much fun as cleaning their house, slightly less pleasurable than cooking, and a whole lot less enjoyable than watching TV.
I'm also gleefully (and a bit guiltily) feeling extremely fortunate to have a husband industrious enough to work at home, enabling me to work part-time with a boss (and coworkers) who adore my kid and don't mind when I bring him to the lab. (They apparently love the distraction of plodding little footsteps and giggles in the hallway. He brightens everyone's day, I'm told.) In addition, Bill is in no way a "useless" father. In fact, I often think he's the better parent in our household, and he gives me a solid base on which to anchor myself.
The most important lesson I've learned as a mother is that I am no good to anyone, especially my son, if I neglect myself. The mild depression I've experienced (but not articulated here) the past few weeks is lifting now--perhaps because I've returned to a weekly exercise program, which always helps balance my moods, after a month-long cycle of family illnesses prevented me from leaving Joseph in any kind of group child care. I sincerely hope mothers in worse positions than I can begin to find some kind of balance in the insanity that is 21st Century motherhood. Not that I'm a role model to anyone, mind you. I've always been nutty; motherhood just makes me feel more guilty about it and more dedicated to improving myself.
# posted by Robin @ 7:41 PM Comments: I must be one of those "rare" mothers who just loves raising her girls. Nothing is more exciting and more precious than seeing your children grow under your guidance and instruction. A child quickly learns when he/she is the most important person in your life, or just a pain to endure until they reach 18. They need a great role model to follow in their parents as they are always watching you to see how you handle and respond to all situations. Parents need to remember that they are the adult and not your childs friend, but teacher. I applaud those parents out there who make sacrifices for their children and are always there for them.
I think that's the point, Anonymous. Most women feel overly pressured to be a perfect role model/mother to their children. I think it's also important to show our children that humans are inherently imperfect and that it is unhealthy to think you can be. I never said I hate being a mother. I would never give up my child, and I'd sacrifice my life for him. I only point out that many mothers in middle class America feel the strain. And I suspect that your life, Anonymous, may not be the typical urban middle class go-go life style. The point of the Newsweek article is to note that women need to be leaders in changing our society to make child rearing more easy on mothers--and fathers!--and stop being so hard on themselves.
Becoming a mother was the hardest thing for me. I battle the 'perfect mother' syndrome everyday and I think every mother does whether they will admit it or not. There is a pressure that WE put on ourselves AND each other - like men that try to outlift each other at the gym, we try to out mother each other. It's the children who lose in this ridiculous competition. SOmetimes it's not a competition with someone, it's with our memories or our parental failings that we vow to never repeat. You are lucky to work part time. I have to work full time and the truth is that I NEED to work outside of the home for ME. There, I said it, FOR ME. Those words are so hard to say or do as a mom. But we need to, and we need to encourage new mothers to do the same before the pressure builds to an Andrea Yates level.
Well said, Tisha! I had to go back to work FOR ME, too (Plus, we needed the money to pay bills!), but I had to compromise with what we could afford for child care and how much time I really wanted to be away from Joe. I had just stopped breastfeeding when I started working, and I was VERY lucky to find something part-time in my field that worked for us. Now, though, I'm looking forward to working full-time, as I notice that Joe actually seems to thrive in pre-school, and I thrive when my intellect is challenged. I think another important point in that article is "What are we teaching our daughters?" Are we teaching them that they can do whatever they want (like we were taught, only to have no support, in general); are we teaching them to give up their own personalities; are we teaching them nothing's more importnant than being perfect? It makes me kinda glad Joe seems to have been born on the winning team.
You missed my point completely. I never suggested that mothers or fathers for that matter need to appear perfect in their children's eyes. When our children are very young they believe there parents are perfect and know everything. As they grow up they realize this is simply not true. I mentioned sacrifices in my first response. I left a career in hospital administration when my 2nd daughter was still a baby. My husband and I decided to go into business together and become self employed so I could also be a stay at home mom. This was a sacrifice we made so we could raise our own children and not them them be raised by a day care provider. I think too many mothers and fathers are becoming too busy in their lives that they have very little energy and time for their children which is very sad.
I'm glad you've restated your position, Anonymous, because, frankly, your first post's tone sounded as if you thought you were better than other mothers who found motherhood "extremely stressfull," which was one of the points of the Newsweek articles--judgement and competition among mothers. We are both fortunate to be in situations in which our husbands are capable of being self-employed, but most are not so lucky. Families--in all forms--need society's support, and those families who happen to live in areas of the country where the cost of living begets the need for dual incomes (and let's not forget single-parent households anywhere) should not be faulted for trying to save their credit, pay medical bills, or stay off welfare. America needs to put its money where its mouth is and provide social structures that make raising a family less stressful--such as not dismantling the Family Medical Leave Act, as the Bush Adminsitration is attempting. Lastly, being there for your children doesn't mean that you have to be a stay-at-home mom. If that were the case, we should all fault fathers for not being there for their kids just as much as we fault mothers. Some mothers need to work outside the home simply for their own sanity's sake. I know that Joe is much better off spending less time with a happy, fulfilled mother than more time with a depressed, ineffectual one.
